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Fantasy and Reality

Difference between sexual fantasy and reality

Well for many fantasies are just that and are kept to the individual or partner. Those can sometimes be extreme in nature but that’s where it stops and it never gets to reality. Some partners want to go further and put the fantasy into reality.

Well in this case it requires thinking through especially if it involves third parties or doing things whereby you can get caught. There is nothing wrong with turning a legal fantasy into reality provided everyone is truly consenting and not coerced into it.

Pornography is now almost universally available - on phones, computers and tablets. It's no longer a case of 'top shelf' magazines! Can watching porn spice up a sexual relationship, or is it a sad addiction? Who watches porn anyway? How real is it? Is there a balance between a bit of spice and a compulsion?

Multi-partner, Group, threesomes, orgies, are not for everyone and need to be planned otherwise things could backfire. There are people who enjoy these types of sexual gratification but if a partner is reluctant then they should never be coerced or forced. Sex and sex acts do magical things to our bodies naturally but the brain has to remain in control and make sure the act doesn’t turn into an addiction.

Why not take the sex addiction test in the tabs below and see how you get on?

Compulsive Sexual Behaviour
Sex Addiction Test For Men
Sex Addiction Test For Women
Watching Porn
Is Porn Bad For a Relationship?
How To Get The Right Balance
BDSM, Swinging and Dogging
Compulsive Sexual Behaviour

There are no Government statistics because sex addiction is not classified as a medical issue but professionals are seeking classification as increasing numbers of people seek out advice. It is estimated that up to 12% of the population could have a secret sexual addiction. Sex addiction is characterised by excessive urges to have sex or engage in other sex-related behaviours, even when such actions may jeopardise your physical health, emotional wellbeing or social standing.

Of course, sexual desires and urges are a normal and healthy part of life. But in the case of sex addiction, these urges become overwhelming and the resultant decisions and actions can be extremely destructive.

Love addiction, which is also widely referred to as ‘co-dependency’, shares many of the same characteristics of sex addiction, although the intrusive thoughts and preoccupations of sexual urges and fantasies tend to be focused on one person, with the aim of repeatedly reliving the initial ‘rush’ of new romance without any desire to progress a relationship further.

Sex addiction and co-dependency are associated with a wide range of signs and symptoms. Whilst there is no single action or behaviour that will definitively establish that you are struggling with sex or love addiction, the symptoms generally fall under the following categories:

The following are among the more common examples of specific signs and symptoms of sex addiction:

  • Having persistent and unavoidable sex-related thoughts, urges and fantasies
  • Having unsafe sex with multiple partners
  • Being incapable of refraining from having sex with others, even when you are involved in a relationship
  • Having unprotected sex, anonymous sex, sex in public places or otherwise engaging in sexual behaviours that can obviously jeopardise your health or social wellbeing
  • Typically feeling guilty, ashamed or disgusted with yourself after acting on your sexual compulsions
  • Spending significant amounts of time viewing pornography
  • Trying but being incapable of stopping or significantly reducing any of these behaviours


The following are among the more common examples of specific signs and symptoms of love addiction:

  • Mistaking sexual experiences or romantic intensity for genuine intimacy
  • Feeling lonely and isolated when not in a relationship
  • Missing out on important commitments with friends, family or colleagues to search for a new relationship
  • Seeking the euphoric ‘rush’ of a new relationship while in an existing one
  • Feigning interest in activities that aren’t enjoyable or manipulating a partner or someone new through sex in order to maintain contact
  • Relying on romantic intensity as a way to escape from underlying emotional or mental health difficulties such as depression and stress

A great many psychological factors can contribute to the development of sex addiction – and just as every individual’s psychology is unique, so too is every combination of such factors.

Many people use sex as a form of escapism – from loneliness, sadness and other negative emotions – and this can drive repeated behaviour of the sort likely to develop into an addiction. Low self-esteem is also seen as a critical contributor.

People suffering from depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, learning disabilities and substance abuse disorders are all more likely than the average to develop sex addiction, as are individuals with personality traits including low self-esteem, difficulties sustaining intimacy and relationship stability, insecurity, and a low tolerance for frustration, and people with paraphilia-related disorders.

A study published in 2014 suggested brain activity in “sex addicts” watching porn is similar to that of drug addicts when shown their drug of choice.

Sex Addiction Test For Men

Welcome to your Sexual Addiction Questionnaire for Men

This is taken from the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) for Men

Copyright 2003 Patrick J. Carnes, PhD and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS. All rights reserved. For personal use only; other use may be prohibited by law. Visit the Sexual Recovery Institute for more info.

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Have you subscribed or regularly purchased/rented sexually explicit magazines or videos?
3. Did your parents have trouble with their sexual or romantic behaviours?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
5. Has your use of phone sex lines, computer sex lines etc. exceeded your ability to pay for these services?
6. Does your significant other(s), friends, or family ever worry or complain about your sexual behaviour? (not related to sexual orientation)
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behaviour when you know it is inappropriate and/or dangerous to your health?
8. Has your involvement with pornography, phone sex, computer board sex, etc. become greater than your intimate contacts with romantic partners?
9. Do you keep the extent or nature of your sexual activities hidden from your friends and/or partners? (not related to sexual orientation)
10. Do you look forward to events with friends or family being over so that you can go out to have sex?
11. Do you visit sexual bath houses, sex clubs and/or video bookstores as a regular part of your sexual activity
12. Do you believe that anonymous or casual sex has kept you from having more long term intimate relationships or from reaching other personal goals?
13. Do you have trouble maintaining intimate relationships once the "sexual newness" of the person has worn off?
14. Do your sexual encounters place you in danger of arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?
15. Are you HIV positive, yet continue to engage in risky or unsafe sexual behaviour?
16. Has anyone ever been hurt emotionally by events related to your sexual behaviour, e.g. lying to partner or friends, not showing up for event/appointment due to sexual liaisons, etc., (not related to sexual orientation)?
17. Have you ever been approached, charged, arrested by the police, security, etc. due to sexual activity in a public place?
18. Have you ever been sexual with a minor?
19. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
20. Have you made repeated promises to yourself to change some form of your sexual activity only to break them later? (not related to sexual orientation)
21. Have your sexual activities interfered with some aspect of your professional or personal life, e.g. unable to perform at work, loss of relationship? (not related to sexual orientation)
22. Have you engaged in unsafe or "risky" sexual practices even though you knew it could cause you harm?
23. Have you ever paid for sex?
24. Have you ever had sex with someone just because you were feeling aroused and later felt ashamed or regretted it?
25. Have you ever cruised public restrooms, rest areas and/or parks looking for sexual encounters with strangers?

A cautionary note:

There is a wide range of prevailing opinions as to what is acceptable sexual behavior. If you are concerned about your own sexual behavior, and you feel that your behavior is causing you problems, or may get you into trouble with the law, please talk to a professional.

Treatment for sexual addiction is available through therapy as well as 12-step support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Please print out your sexual addiction test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist.

Remember, this is NOT a diagnosis. Only a doctor or qualified mental health professional can make a diagnosis of sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity and recommend treatments.

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Sex Addiction Test For Women

Welcome to your Sexual Addiction Questionnaire for Women

This is taken from the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) for Women

Copyright 2003 Patrick J. Carnes, PhD and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS. All rights reserved. For personal use only; other use may be prohibited by law. Visit the Sexual Recovery Institute for more info.

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Have you subscribed or regularly purchased/rented romance novels or sexually explicit magazines?
3. Have you stayed in romantic relationships after they become emotionally or physically abusive?
4. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts or romantic daydreams?
5. Do you feel that your sexual behaviour is not normal?
6. Does your spouse or significant other(s), friends, or family ever worry or complain about your sexual behaviour? (not related to sexual orientation)
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behaviour when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behaviour?
9. Has your sexual behaviour ever created problems for you and your family?
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. . Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behaviour?
13. Have you ever participated in sexual activity in exchange for money or gifts?
14. Do you have times when you act out sexually followed by periods of celibacy (no sex at all)?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
16. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviour from others?
17. Do you find yourself having multiple romantic relationships at the same time?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behaviour?
19. Has sex or romantic fantasies been a way for you to escape your problems?
20. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
21. Do you regularly engage in sado-masochistic behaviour?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors?
24. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire or fantasies of romance?
25. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

A cautionary note:

There is a wide range of prevailing opinions as to what is acceptable sexual behavior. If you are concerned about your own sexual behavior, and you feel that your behavior is causing you problems, or may get you into trouble with the law, please talk to a professional.

Treatment for sexual addiction is available through therapy as well as 12-step support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Please print out your sexual addiction test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist.

Remember, this is NOT a diagnosis. Only a doctor or qualified mental health professional can make a diagnosis of sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity and recommend treatments.

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Time is Up!

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Time’s up

Watching Porn

In a recent survey 39% of the UK population said they have watched pornography recently. This rises to nearly 50% for adults under 24. Of this group 76% are men watching pornography on the internet, compared with just 36% of women.

A recent study by Marie Claire found that as many as one in three (31%) women watch porn every week, while Pornhub, one of the world’s most popular free sites, recently revealed that women make up more than a quarter (29%) of its global audience.

However, problems start to arise when people get fantasy and reality mixed up.

 

people watching porn

Is Porn Bad For a Relationship?

Porn is a way to delve into your sexual fantasies and discover what turns you on. It’s anonymous, it’s free from rejection, but are there drawbacks to making love to watching porn? We explore the effect porn can have on your brain and how this can affect relationships and your performance.

Porn can actually change the way your brain deals with sexual impulses. Porn stimulates the same part of the brain that addictive drugs do. Watching porn makes you feel good because it releases feel-good hormones and as a result, we watch it over and over again. The problem is, over time, the brain becomes desensitised to what it sees and no longer releases those feel-good hormones so readily. In the same way that drug users, over time, need bigger hits in order to feel high, people watching porn need more and more hardcore stuff to reach the same level of satisfaction. This is where your brain becomes a little one-track minded and your porn habit begins to look more like an addiction.

You might have a problem with porn if your porn habit escalates from a few times a month to daily. Or you’ve noticed the type of porn you’re watching getting increasingly extreme. Or real sex doesn’t give you the same satisfaction that watching porn does.

Watching excessive amounts of porn can also impact on your physical capability to maintain an erection, or you may find a general disinterest in real sex. Bingeing on porn can numb your brain to real-life sex and as a result, weaker signals are sent to the genitals. This can mean erectile dysfunction for men and an inability to feel turned on for women.

What does this mean for my relationship? Sex with real people is great. Unlike virtual sex. With people you get an emotional connection and the pleasure of being touched and touching someone else. Sex with a partner is also great for your mental health. Unfortunately, people who frequently watch porn often find their sex lives becoming a little dull.

So people mix up the two…

 

porn and reality

How To Get The Right Balance

Porn can be mutually beneficial and sometimes help service sex, making it a little easier to get things started, especially in today’s lifestyles. The brain is flexible and can be retrained away from excessive porn usage and you have the power to beat your obsession with porn and have great sex once more. Here are somethings that may help:

o Watch porn with your partner not alone, choose something you both like
o Don’t let it rule the event merely kick start it
o If you are on your own and the urge comes on, try exercise. This releases endorphins and other feel-good hormones.
o If you are alone try sex without porn. Use your imagination rather than porn, after all you only choose porn because it’s so freely available.
o Talk to your partner. If you feel your sex life is getting a bit boring, open up the conversation. Ask your partner what turns them on and perhaps try something new.

BDSM, Swinging and Dogging

SexDrive takes a brief look at extensions of sexual activity such as BDSM. For many years people thought it was shameful and a bit sick and people who did it were weird. But research has indicated that BDSM people are in many ways normal and suffer no more mental health issues than straight sex people. There is always a caveat to this in that dominants tend to be very extravert and willing to try new things but submissives could be coerced into carrying out the act. The key and important point is average and extreme. With all sexual deviations if it’s gentle, nobody gets hurt and people are doing it freely then people can do as they wish. But extreme BDSM can get out of control physically and psychologically and that’s dangerous.

roles in BDSM

 

Group, dogging, exhibitionism, swinging are all practiced quite openly in the UK and many people enjoy these activities. Again, if people are doing these practices freely and nobody is hurt or injured and it’s not illegal then so be it. But research has indicated that a lot of people participating in these activities do have mental health issues and use the practice to overcome things like low self-esteem and insecurity. Exhibitionism Is classed as a mental health disorder. The interesting point here is it usually isn’t a dirty old man in a raincoat. The offenders are late teens to early thirties and are serial repeat offenders.

Whatever you’re into and whatever your gender enjoying a good sex life and relationship is not easy to do with the modern world we live in. You have to, and I know it goes against the grain to many, but you have to put effort into a relationship and a good sex life. It is basic instinct for most but to have a good sex life and relationship you need to make the effort.

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OCEAN Personality Types

People tend to believe that each individual is different and unique in their own way. While that may be true to an  extent, it’s not entirely accurate.

It’s certainly not helpful when firms are trying to recruit people ‘of a certain type’.

When it comes to personality types, there are tests that categorise people into one of a few groups that describe their characteristics.

The ‘Big Five’ personality traits  characteristics are :

  • Openness
  • Conscientiousness
  • Extraversion
  • Agreeableness
  • Neuroticism

Easily remembered as OCEAN.  You can find out what type of person you are by taking a free test here.  It’s from Truity and doesn’t need an email or login.

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Holiday habits

• A third of Britons who go abroad return to the same resort every year
• The average UK holidaymaker has been to the same place four times
• More than one in ten return to the same holiday spot ten or more times – and many even try to book the same hotel room.
• More than a third, 34 per cent, go to the same restaurant they ate at on their last trip, and more than a quarter, 26 per cent, don’t even bother trying to find new drinking locations
• Some 59 per cent of us go on the same holiday in successive years
• McDonalds and KFC are worldwide brands and people in a foreign city can always head to a McDonalds and KFC because you only need to point at the picture and with 3 fingers held up means you want 3 – language barrier overcome. No slight embarrassment not knowing the menu or protocol.
• Many go back because it is the easy option.

No more seasonal fruit and veg - but at what price?

Years ago we had seasonal fruit, but not now. Strawberries were April to August – now it’s January to November under poly-tunnel. How can a plant produce so much fruit??? Artificial feeding. How can they be so big?  Artificial feeding. How can they look so pristine with not a mark on them? Artificial feeding and pesticides to keep the insects off. But because they are grown in artificial circumstances they can attract new types of diseases so chemicals are added to stop those diseases taking off. But, is there an alternative? Yes buy organic fruit and veg – at least there is an element of inspection and testing.

Fresh food could be as bad as processed food

What is becoming scarier than processed food is fresh food. The farmers and scientists and government are now on a mission to feed the increasing population, HOW? Well, producing fresh food that we can grow quicker, faster, bigger, disease free and more aesthetically pleasing to the eye. But all these things come at a price.
The chemicals that farmers and growers put on the land to grow super-fast produce mean that the feed is so powerful it can double the growth and size in half the time. The pesticides they put on the plants kills everything and anything that lives on a plant, just so we don’t have a marked apple on the shelf. We do need chemicals to stop some diseases on fruit and veg but the chemicals on fruit and veg today go much further. This article in the Daily Mail on 1st November 2018 said;

On average, new research has found, a supermarket potato will have been doused with an astonishing 30 active ingredients (an active ingredient is the part of a substance or compound that produces its chemical or biological effect). Compare that to 40 years ago — when a potato would have been treated with just 5.3 active ingredients — and you start to see how mind-bogglingly dependent farming in Britain today is on chemicals.

Meat - is that healthy to eat?

Well years ago it was. When animals could go into the fields and eat grass and get normal supplements to keep them fit and healthy.  But then big business wanted more and started to produce feeds like rocket fuel, the sort of food body builders eat to accelerate muscle and weight. Can you blame them? Not really. If someone says; “Hey, here’s a food that will treble the size of your animal in half the time, which means you get it to market faster and it’s cheaper to feed, so less cost and more profit.”  Who wouldn’t?

But then you look at what they feed the animals and think it just doesn’t pass straight through the animal and out the other side – it is absorbed into the flesh. And then humans eat it. But, what’s the alternative? Locally produced, farm and grass reared, local butcher sold meats. Organic, just to add a bit of assurance nothing has been used on the land.

Out of date bread - where does it go after the supermarket?

Ever wondered where the old out of date bread goes when it comes off the supermarket shelves? Well it goes to a special company and it is all ground together into a giant mincing machine and ground up into crumbs. This includes the coloured branded plastic bag it came in and the tag on the end. As bread is yeast based it requires further chemicals to stop another fermentation process taking place.

It is then sold to farmers for winter feed to cows who eat the crumbs and plastic bag and tag. We then milk the cow or eat the beef. Just to remind you cows stomachs may be big but they are not designed to eat colour printed plastic. Yet again another Food Standards Agency and Agricultural Agency getting together to provide winter feed at a cheap cost with no regard for the cow or the consumer. But what’s the alternative – organic milk. Aldi, Co-op and Sainsbury sell organic milk very competitively.

Farmed fish / shellfish - is it good for us?

So what do we know, well firstly fish living together in huge pens in huge quantities attract disease. They also, in the case of salmon, lose their colour, so scientists created a food that has colour built in and contains chemicals that kill the fish lice and then we eat it. Take a look on YouTube at the investigations and make your own mind up.

The biggest fish farms in the world are now in the Baltic Sea. They farm pollock, haddock and cod and we also know the Baltic Sea is one of the most polluted seas on the globe. But, what is the alternative – fish caught in the open ocean.

Shellfish is a popular product in the UK but most prawns come from Thailand, Vietnam and South America. All are farmed. But, what’s the alternative – organic and ocean caught never farmed.

This recent documentary opens your eyes to fish farming and the issues they have  – click here.  

When is the best time to eat?

It’s not just eating the right food or drinking the right amount of water – it’s about when we do this. In the UK we eat as fuel and don’t eat for pleasure. We often push food down our throats as fast as we can – often late in the evening just before we go to bed!!  There is an old saying breakfast like a king, lunch like a queen, dinner like a prince and supper like a pauper. Eating during the day gives our bodies the chance to work off the fuel we have put into our bodies. Many people have such busy days they don’t get time to eat during the day. If you’re that busy your body needs fuel so snack every hour or two if you cannot give up the time at lunch to eat. Little and often is recommended rather than a big meal at the end of the day.

YouDrivers

We are creating a new type of member – the YouDriver.

YouDrivers will be able to build their own health dashboard – they will take health questionnaires to see how healthy they are, they will look at all aspects of their health and understand exactly what matters to them.

They will go on a journey to decide which health areas they want to work on, how they want to tackle these and then they will be able to build their own action plans. 

We’re also inviting more people to get involved – whether by contributing their own views or by offering support to our site visitors.

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